A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
