just tell him i said nine months
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
