I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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