nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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