Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
