I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
