I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
