i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
