So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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