What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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