Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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