I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
