my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
