Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
