my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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