I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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