Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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