Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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