do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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