There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Boobs speak an international language.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
