she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
