the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
