I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
