You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
