why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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