dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
