Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
