if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
