Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
