im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
