I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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