Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
