my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
