I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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