Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
