We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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