oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am spending my child support on dildos
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
