Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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