I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
