I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
