My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
