4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
