i think my tv is drunk
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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