WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
