Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
