totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
