I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Your cock deserves a montage
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
