im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
