I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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