I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
