dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
