I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
