3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
